It's been a month since I've had the time to write in my personal journal and four months here. I have simultaneously wanted, or rather needed, to sleep. It has literally been a choice between writing and sleeping because by the time I am settled and exhaled at night, my body is saying 'time to sleep!' I like to have a certain atmosphere to write and with a baby - challenging to find has been the story. It is now 1:16am and the words were flowing too fast so I just sat and started typing. I hope it helps someone.
Slow is a good pace to go. These are words from one of Chrystal's Monday talks and that has literally been my story this year; slow is a good pace to go. I saw Sarah post something yesterday regarding that also.
...taking your time gives you an opportunity to process...In life we sometimes stumble and get down because everything is coming at us so fast...Lessen the margin of error by taking the time you need... Sarah Jakes Roberts
I have learned in this season to take the time that I need - even if that means I'm going more at a tortoise pace than my typical hare. I am changing, evolving, learning and embracing a new version of myself and also healing and merging the previous version. Many things happened in that last season that I did not have time to process and losses that I could not afford to take the time to mourn and that includes permanently leaving behind a part of myself or rather my life that I actually enjoyed and loved to replace it with a life that to be honest is not always enjoyable. Taking care of children that have extra needs can mean that you need to grab opportunities to make joyful moments even if that does not include them while you wish it could. I have to mourn and let go of the fact that while I know I was born for this and in my head know certain things of this life that I said yes to, it comes with many caveats that are not fun, joyful or pleasurable. Sometimes I don't want to evolve - I want God to poof! me and immediately morph me into the next version of myself.
Sometimes we want to skip the process because we don't want to go through the work of feeling, processing, digesting, regurgitating and all the ings that come with regenerating. It can be slow, it can be painful, it can be frustrating and all the while life is still going on.
Slow is a good pace to go. I think the words reverberate so much because the best pace has been slow - incremental shifts. Sometimes the movement is so imperceptible - unseen to the naked eye, unfelt to myself even although the paradox is that I actually know that I am progressing because I can sense it. I have to start it in my mind first then the actual physical movement and progression follows. This has been such a weird place to be in. It reminds me of a person with a brain injury whose brain needs to re-calibrate and regenerate before the work of rewiring the connections to the body and the resulting functions and movement. Or someone who has been in a wreck that damaged them so badly that it required several phases of healing. First the surgeries - to fix your body and possibly reconstruct your appearance, then the mental processing that you are not the same - you don't look the same, you have scars and, yes, limitations. You can't move the same, you have to relearn how to do the simplest things that came without thinking before - just basic things! But first, your mind. If you cannot even come to terms with the fact that you are forever different and will never go back to that person that you knew your journey will be so much more difficult. And that's where a lot of us get stuck - stuck in the loss, the grief, unable to move on - it's as if you're standing still but the world is still moving because your movement is so minute in comparison to the pace of the world. You can feel trapped within yourself because the world is moving at a faster pace than you can at the moment. And no there is no magic transformative poof. You have to do the work and fight with different weapons, tools and strategies because you realize the ones you have always so reliably used are now less effective. But within you are new tools for this new season that the new version of you actually does know how to use if you'd put the work in and start doing the thing. Just start and determine that even if it's a micro-centimeter at a time, that you will continue to progress. You will force yourself to look in the mirror at the person you don't recognize and greet her or him boldly with love, acceptance and grace - learning every nuance, every quirk, nook and cranny - learning to embrace and love her or him. You will force yourself to look at and face every scar and remember how it got there and, more importantly, the healing that it speaks of - you. are. still. here! It didn't kill you. You are still powerful - it may feel depleted but it didn't die. You are still valuable - even if you are relearning that value. You are still chosen - He has always, and continues to be with you through thick and thin. You are His gift, His weapon of power and healing where He has sent you...even in that very place and space.