This although pretty simplistic was a triumph for me this weekend - an exhale of relief. When I was younger I drew pretty well. I could still remember it in my mind's eye though the physical evidence is long gone. As per usual, life, and it fell off to more 'important' things per society's expectational norms. That was the mid to latter 80's, late elementary. Art, writing, photography - of all the creative avenues that I immersed myself in to keep myself during a not so happy season of life these are what have been calling me back. In 2016 I got my pencils, swiped my daughter's sketch book and started drawing again but it left me in frustration and near tears because I just could not make my hands do what my eyes were seeing. Things that came naturally albeit 30 years prior seemed gone no matter how much I tried. It was confusing because how can I lose something that I was born with? I put it down but it was always at the back of my mind as I finished out a season...interestingly, another trying season through which creativity replenished me.
This weekend, three years later, two months past the end of that season, I picked back up the sketch book. I looked at the previous sketches with new eyes and determine they weren't actually bad, just flat. I couldn't believe it was three years but dismissed that thought as I took out a book I had purchased back then to help me and started drawing what I saw in the sequence laid out. Beginning, middle and end. I was to fill in the missing pieces. I made myself relax with Netflix and started. Slowly it started coming back and I did another and another. I hadn't lost it! It was still there. During the three years I walked out a journey that I hated but it was God's plan that I did and I didn't give up...at least not really, He reeled me back at the times of despondency and strengthened me to again continue walking. Coming out of that season I knew there were things that I needed to let go off inwardly and outwardly - there were too many things hemorrhaging me and I was malnourished inside - anything that came in went right back out. It reminded me of that spider who's babies when they are born feed off of her as she slowly and painfully dies so that they can have a good start to life. I wasn't dying externally although my body was reacting in different ways to the stress and pressure but I actually was in another sense because I couldn't be the me I was prior to the start of that particular journey. I couldn't be the me I was prior to knowing more than the minute part of God's plan that He had informed me of in the beginning to which I finally agreed. But I remembered that the gifts God places in us are without repentance so they will always be there, a part of me - whether I choose to use them or not - whether I choose to pursue them or not. That doesn't mean that it will be effortless, without work or perseverance. I was determined that I would go after it until I got it back. I have located tools to help me hone my skills to the level I would like to see in this and photography - the writing has always been a thing that pours out just like the words that flow out of my mouth like a river from inside so with that I just write. I stop when it hits me and dictate into my phone if I must to remember the thought.
This is one of the MANY reasons I 'chose' to home school my kids. I say 'chose' because it actually already was a desire in me from a child - actually, again, elementary! I don't think it was even really done in that time actually. I remember seeing it on tv - a 'renegade' family or two and I said 'THAT, I want to do for my kids'. They were Caucasian and not even from my culture but per usual that means nothing to me. I just love who God made me! Their purpose behind of it clicked with my spirit and soul. I want to seek out and support the gifts my children were given by God. Not having three decades go by before reconnecting to what you knew from the beginning. I want them to never lose touch of the God-given desires and keys He has given them to affect change. What can I do with my gifts? I can do pieces and have an exhibit where the funds support non-profit causes to help areas on my heart. I can use my photography to support pre and post adoption causes - both people and animals. My writing can help others that are hurting and feel alone. What can their gifts do? Whatever they are, the effect that it can have in the earth doesn't have to be decades from now. Why can't it be now? What if I had someone to see and support my gifts as a child? In my pain I asked God why me, why not someone else. I just want to be. I heard the answer I already knew - 'why not me? I am akin to the pain He wants to heal.'